


With Love And Regret

by ProgramasaurusRex



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-01-23 21:37:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21327082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProgramasaurusRex/pseuds/ProgramasaurusRex
Summary: Richard writes Jared an apology letter.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 17
Kudos: 40





	1. Dear Jared

Dear Jared,  
  
I am so, so sorry.  
  
Since I am currently not welcome in your physical presence, I thought I would write this letter to express how sorry I am. That way, you can just crumple it up and throw it away if you want.  
  
Jared, I've always known you had some sort of feelings for me. I was never really sure if those feelings were friendly, romantic, paternal, or somewhere in between. Not knowing made me uncomfortable. I struggle with expressing emotions, and the way you have always treated me has been very intense.  
  
But I accepted it. At first, I needed your business skills. After awhile, I just needed you.  
  
When I moved to California after dropping out of college, I was alone, a thousand miles from my family, just Bighead and me and a bunch of scary new roommates. And as much as I like Bighead, he can barely take care of himself most days. You filled a huge hole in my life. You made me feel ... loved. That's really the only word for it.  
  
I did not do the same for you. How could I possibly, even if I tried? You're like a triathlete of love. You deserve so much more than I could possibly give you.  
  
Yet, I accepted your kindness that could not be repaid, even came to take it for granted. And that was so shitty of me, so selfish. As soon as you left, I realized what I had lost, when even a little bit of effort could have allowed me to keep you.  
  
I didn't think it would be that hard to get you back. I just had to offer you what you wanted. After all -- and I don't know when I realized this, but it's true -- you were in love with me.  
  
There's no other way to put it. For the past five years, you have showered me with the purest love I have ever experienced. And you left because you thought I didn't love you back. I can't fucking believe I didn't see that coming. I deserved everything you did to me the last time I saw you.  
  
It wasn't until I saw you caring for someone else that I considered my own feelings toward you.  
  
It was jealousy, pure and simple. I shouldn't have made fun of Gwart; that was rude. It just hurt to see you with someone else like that.  
  
All I want is to love you like you loved me. To make it up to you.  
  
Do I feel romantic feelings for you? That's a tough one. I grew up in Nebraska, where acting on those kinds of feelings was not acceptable. But when I look at my romantic history, or lack thereof, it's hard for me to pretend it was just bad luck and not active self sabotage. Jared, I broke up with an attractive woman who liked me because she used spaces instead of tabs. What does that say about me? All I know is, when you left, I cried like I've never cried over a woman. So there's that.  
  
It's just that I don't know how I feel about sex, like, at all, with either gender. I've wondered before if other people were exaggerating about how good sex was for them. It's never not been a train wreck for me. Melchor's fiancee told me I was the worst she ever had. Even if I wanted to, I have no idea if I could, well, satisfy you in that way. And when I think of all the other things people in healthy relationships do for each other, I see just how unprepared I am.  
  
Also, I know that you have a traumatic past. I've never encouraged you to talk about it, because I'm the shittiest of friends, but I've heard you. I know you were a foster kid, that you suffered abuse and homelessness, that you were an unwilling sex worker, and that Gavin did terrible things to you. And after all that, you probably need someone more sensitive and nurturing than me to heal you. The last thing I want is to become a disturbing offhand comment you make to other people in the future.  
  
And that is why I can never be with you. There is a 0% chance that I wouldn't fuck it up. My ego has ruined a lot of things in my life, but I will not allow it to ruin you. I want you to be happy more than I want to be able to take credit for it. So instead of continuing to beg your forgiveness, which I don't deserve, I am going to try to give you space. You should get over me. You should do whatever it is you need to do to be happy, man, with Gwart or whoever else crosses your path. No one deserves it more than you.  
  
With love and regret,  
  
Richard


	2. Putting on Hats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared replies

Dear Richard,  
  
You've made me out to be some kind of saint, when I'm the one who shot you with a BB gun. The truth is, my mild demeanor has always been a facade. You were the one person I desperately hoped never found that out, but now you have. I cannot apologize enough for having harmed you.  
  
I knew my feelings made you uncomfortable, and I ignored your comfort. I couldn't help it. What did I care that you might want to spend time with other people, that my fixation on you was unhealthy and smothering? I cared only for my own hunger, a hunger that was never sated. That is why I left, because I knew that I was no longer good for you. You owe me nothing, Richard, nothing. It is I who would ruin you with my presence.  
  
It's true that I love you and always have. You seem to think you don't deserve it. Your modesty is a portion of the ineffable goodness that shoots out of your every pore like a sky full of moonbeams. You cannot see it because it is inside you. And I, I wish only to be near you.  
  
You mentioned sex. Richard, it is immaterial. If I thought for one moment that I could be an adequate romantic partner for you, it would not matter one whit if you wished to make it an asexual relationship. I would not dream of pressuring you into any physical activity that you did not want. It would, of course, bring me pleasure to bring you pleasure, but whether sexual or platonic, through fellatio or through hand holding, the terms of my access to you have always been yours to dictate.  
  
You also mentioned my background. I know all too well that I am a broken man, and that you would be better off with someone, anyone, more whole than myself. You're right; I could not ask you to bear my burdens like that.  
  
And yet I am asking it anyway.  
  
This is new territory for me. My mind is demanding of me that I nobly refuse to sully you with myself. The Jared that I have been for most of my life would not be impertinent enough to ask for your hand in mine. But Richard, the years we have spent together have changed me, have changed how I viewed myself. The work we have done together brought me a sense of accomplishment. My sense of self worth began to repair itself under your ministrations. You named me as your Chief Operating Officer. You placed your faith in me in a way no one had done before. The day that I told you I was leaving, you actually seemed upset.  
  
And then you came to visit me at the hostel.  
  
I have asked myself many times why I behaved so irrationally. I see now that I was terrified. For the first time in our long association, you were showing signs of returning my feelings. And I was terrified most wholly of the hope kindling inside my own breast. Hope that I could be good enough.  
  
I cursed you like a sailor. I committed an act of violence against you. I assumed the bridge was burned. But in Gavin's office, I heard you apologizing to me. To me! How could this be? Had you so easily forgiven, even accepted, the glimpse I gave you into my darkest soul?  
  
Last weekend, I met my birth parents for the first time. For so many years I have wondered why they gave me up. It turned out there was no logistical obstacle. My worst fear confirmed. For a time I wondered if I was unlovable, a notion which jived perfectly with my self image.  
  
But then I thought of you. Huddled on the doorstep of our old house, waiting for me. Treating me as if I were a person of value. Offering me concessions, even kindness to Gwart, your rival, on my behalf. Purchasing an entire company to save me from my old captor. And all of the sudden, it came to me:  
  
The things that were done to me were not my fault.  
  
I was a babe in arms when my parents gave me up. When I endured the horrors of the foster care system, I wasn't much older. I wasn't even legally an adult when I walked the streets, just a kid trying to survive. I worked for Gavin because I needed the money. I was not the problem. I am a person, and I am worthy of love.  
  
Worthy, of course, is not the same as entitled. You have every right to refuse to love and be loved by me. I am not perfect, and (though I am loathe to admit it) you aren't either. I may not be good enough to make this relationship work.  
  
But if you want me, I am yours. I am there with bells on, with all the trumpets of God in heaven, Richard, my good intentions could pave the Great Wall of China. I will give you everything I have, and you know I speak the truth because you know me. I desire only a chance.  
  
Awaiting your reply.  
  
Love,  
Jared


	3. Bedtime

They'd agreed to wait until they no longer worked together. Well, as of three days ago, they no longer worked together. So, Richard had invited Jared over for dinner.

He was determined to show Jared appreciation. Jared was not his mother, or his servant, or even his employee anymore. They were just two guys now, two guys who liked each other an as yet undetermined amount. Richard would have to pull his weight in whatever they became in the future.

He looked up gluten free dinner party recipes and chose one for an idiot-proof beef stew. He went to Target and bought a real fabric tablecloth. He vacuumed up all the layers of dirt and crumbs in his apartment that hadn't bothered him until he was unemployed and spending whole days in his apartment. His confidence grew as he worked; it had been awhile since he'd planned a social event that wasn't completely half-assed.

And now Jared was at the door.

"Oh, Richard," said Jared, taking in the nicely set table and the rich odors emanating from the crock pot. "You didn't have to cook for me."

"I don't mind," said Richard. "It's been kind of nice, doing normal person things now that I have the time. Trying to remember who I used to be before Pied Piper."

"I know," said Jared. "I've been catching up on podcasts while I plan out my next career move."

"What have you come up with?" Richard asked, serving out stew and salad. "I could see you at a nonprofit, maybe."

"I've been thinking of that, too," said Jared, smiling a little. "I'm still reading through annual reports and mission statements before I apply. So many good causes and only one of me. Not to say I won't miss Pied Piper, of course!"

"It's okay," said Richard. "I understand, and I think what happened was for the best. So. Watched any good birds lately?"

It turned out Jared had. He told Richard all about some eagles he'd seen in a state park the other day. Richard enjoyed Jared's unfettered joy.

"We should go for a hike sometime," Jared was saying. "There's a lovely spot about an hour outside the city that I'd love to take you."

Richard was about to say that he didn't hike, when he remembered that he didn't even know who he was anymore, so he might as well be somebody who hiked.

"All right," he said. "I mean, I haven't been camping since I was a kid going on family vacations, but I could try it."

Jared's eyes went a little sad. "That must have been wonderful," he said. "Are you close with your family?"

"An average amount, I guess?" said Richard. "I don't talk to them that much since I moved to California, but I usually make it home for Christmas. They're ... fine. They don't really understand computers, but they're nice."

Jared still looked a little wistful as Richard cleared the table and put on the tea kettle.

"Do you still talk to any of your, uh, guardians?" Richard asked gently, pouring him a cup of oolong. The two of them sat down on the couch.

"One of them," said Jared. "A foster sister from my third home. We play Scrabble online sometimes. I can't exactly spend holidays with her, though."

Richard felt, for the first time in years, perhaps, the desire to touch someone. So, he did, on the elbow.

"I was sorry to hear about your birth parents," he said. "I know that must have been hard. They sound like they weren't very good."

"Oh, it wasn't their fault," said Jared. "They didn't know the agency would place me with abusive parents."

"Jared," said Richard, tilting toward him, "you're allowed to be mad. Or hurt. Or however you really feel about it. Kids are supposed to be taken care of, read bedtime stories. People let you down, and ... and fuck them, because you're the best person I know, even without having had anyone to show you how to be."

Jared was nodding. "You're right. I do have a lot of emotion bottled up. But as you found out when you visited the incubator last, sometimes it's dangerous to release emotion, when you're like me."

"I don't mind," said Richard, brushing back a lock of hair. "Go for it. I've got renter's insurance."

Jared began to shake. "All right then ... fuck them. Fuck them!"

"Fuck all of them!" Richard agreed. "Anyone who ever had legal custody of you."

"Fuck my birth parents! They could've kept me, and they didn't!" said Jared.

Richard grinned. "Yeah. What else?"

"Fuck the foster care system!" Jared continued. "It's a scam!"

"Yeah!" Richard agreed.

"I ... I've never been read a bedtime story in my life!" Jared shouted.

"Really?" asked Richard. "Well ... would you like me to read you one?"

That snapped Jared out of his trance. "You would do that for me?" he asked, mild again.

"Sure," said Richard. "I've got a few books around here, I think. If you're okay with sleeping here, I mean."

"I would love that," said Jared. "Where would you like me to sleep?"

"The bed is big enough to share," said Richard nervously. "Or you could sleep there by yourself, and I could sleep on the couch."

"No, no, we can share the bed," said Jared. "I know we aren't in a sexual relationship, but it can be nice to sleep close together."

Richard tried not to think too much about what sort of relationship they were in right now, exactly. He brought out a box of books that he had never taken the time to unpack.

"All right, we've got ... Ender's Game, The Outsiders, Treasure Island, the first three Harry Potter books, Fellowship of the Ring, Aesop's Fables, The Great Gatsby, some old Star Wars novels, Crime and Punishment, and ... oh, here we go, The Little Prince, that might work."

"Good idea," said Jared. "I'd like something peaceful."

Richard had taken his pants off in front of Jared before, but something about it hit differently now, as he stuffed them in the hamper, and Jared carefully folded his khakis and outer dress shirt and laid them on the chest. The two of them scooted into bed together, and Richard pulled the blankets around Jared, tucking him in. He was glad he had the book to give them something to do. He supposed he really had been lucky to have a father who read out loud to him, and went to his soccer games, and all the rest.

Richard read the opening lines of The Little Prince in what he hoped was an entertaining style. When he came to the drawing of a boa constrictor from the outside, he held up the page to show Jared, as his parents had always done. Luckily, he had an edition with lots of beautiful color illustrations. Jared seemed to be enjoying himself immensely, laughing at all the funny parts and nodding in appreciation of the smart bits. It wasn't a very long book, so Richard decided to read the whole thing. He'd forgotten how much he enjoyed it. As he read the last line, Jared obediently closed his eyes.

Richard switched off the lamp and lay down, too.


End file.
